journals are just journals, not proclamations or lifestyle recommendations for others in my case, or even justification of actions/inaction. With that warning, read on if you want or skip this one. It is what it is. Took me a long time to realize this. I’m just letting the words out.
Long walks are off the table for now, Shasta’s ultrasound revealed multiple tumors; between her and Sadie being seriously ill, there is no way I can take them all out on adventures without the car nearby in case something happens. Shasta’s energy level is coming back some, but have to be very careful with her. She has an oncologist appointment in a couple of weeks, but realistically, it’s not good. Palliative care for both her and Sadie. I have to manage Chance’s energy against theirs on a daily basis. Also juggling my emotions with my niece being here and her not entirely understanding death. She loved Hogan and understands what happened there, but it’s hard enough for me to understand what’s going on, much less an eight year old who came to have a fun summer swimming and playing with the dogs. One of the more interesting facets of this experience is just how many people in my life are telling me what to do. Like that’s ever worked before. There’s also a lot of projection of their feelings and emotions towards me based on their experiences with respect to next steps. That’s been interesting. Thankfully, i have a fantastic vet team and so far, they’re assuring me that choosing to continue with quality of life being the focus is acceptable at this point. And yes, I’m devastated, but what can you do?
how am i going to survive this emotionally? Same way I always do, press on and make sure that i don’t let myself get caught up in my depression trap. Boyfriend is on the east coast with a sick brother, so I’m going to have to do this mostly on my own, but we’re talking much longer again in the evenings, which is really nice. He knows me well enough that if i start moping he’ll let me know. So thankful the plague is over and that i can spend time outside without restrictions, that would make it a much different story. I’ve also got some fantastic friends down the street who have literally come to my rescue in the middle of the night before and will help if needed. And then there’s the whole group of puppy class friends who have all been through this themselves and get it. Haven’t shared the news with them yet as it’s a little overwhelming when you’re first processing.
Thinking about restricting calories during the week for the summer since it’s highly likely I’ll be moving a lot less and i do eat more when I’m working out hard. Move less, eat less. I’m going to take the “work/life balance” mantra they keep reciting at work to heart and start scheduling some mid-day swims with a goal of 3-4 times a week with the rower filling the other days. I will eat more those days because a hard swim has always made me ravenous. I am still nursing a sprained elbow from the medicine cabinet incident, so will hold off on the rowing for another couple of days until I feel confident that it’s sufficiently healed. Don’t want to aggravate it just yet. Not sure if swimming will be okay or not, i can always lose the paddles to decrease resistance so it should be fine. I can always just do treadmill and dance if the elbow is a thing. Gotta have a plan to get through this stuff. It’s a bit like making a list of chores for the weekend.
Weekend rules even though it’s raining which gives me permission to camp in front of the television. Not gonna, need to fix that medicine cabinet. Living without a mirror is interesting because i care even less about my hair which can be a little scary looking at times.
My trio of misfits the week before looking happy and healthy. Shasta is still beating Chance up, but less often. Energy levels.
WEIGHT 163.9 lb
BMI 33.1
FAT MASS 68.3 lb
LEAN MASS 95.7 lb
WATER MASS 67.0 lb
BONE MASS 4.9 lb
MUSCLE MASS 90.8 lb
