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25 Mai 2024

TLDR (again)

I am burning a good amount of calories daily at a local exclusive gym. By gym I meant the backyard garden of course. It offers complimentary spa treatments which include a farmer’s tan, mud facial and dirt manicure (très chic💅). Fact: Turning a compost bin is as strenuous as tire flipping. My bin’s capacity is supposed to be 50 gallons but I’m sure it weighs a wee bit more than that, as the pile shrinks instantly due to rapid decomposing, and I’m having to add a crazy amount of yard debris weekly just to fill the bin. Don’t let anyone tell you that a small pile compost does not heat up. It’s entirely possible. I expend additional calories (cico!) by engaging in activities to diversify the composition of the bin content, eg., sourcing the local microbiota (a fancy way of saying that I walk to the nearby stream to collect and haul decaying plants). My calorie intake involves eating natto. Thank god I’m Japanese. The compost bin gets natto’s slimy residue, rich in bacillus subtilis, which would supercharge the compost. Behold. The temperature of my compost pile is steadily above 110F. Occasionally I hit 140F. Not bad for a measly 50 gallon bin procured via Craigslist. Call me Heisenberg, I’m cooking good stuff. I felt cocky and my nostrils flared with pride.
Until.
There’s a house behind mine and it is defined by a giant trampoline that sits in the middle of the yard. I’ve never seen anyone using the ugly contraption. The owner carefully mows the lawn around it and that’s about it. One day as I was turning the compost, I saw him spraying something quite obnoxious, and I inhaled the pungent fume through the aforementioned nostrils. Pesticide. Are you kidding me sir? What are you trying to protect, your underutilized trampoline?? I was crestfallen, it explained the mysterious disappearance of critters last year, and this year again it would kill the wildlife I am trying to attract. I went inside, sat down, wept a bit, and comforted myself with an image of the dumbo neighbor bouncing bouncing bouncing on his sacred trampoline until he was a human catapult and expelled to the stratosphere.
Bumblebees immediately disappeared after that. I was gutted. I used to think bees were annoying, always following me and being nosy as hell, but I never wished them harm and I missed them sorely. “Come back,” I said as I amended the soil of the area intended for foxgloves, “I will plant your favorite flower.” It was a rainy day and I got covered with muck. Racked up 13,588 steps that day. I’ve become quite smitten with foxgloves, I got a few varieties growing, Camelot, Dalmatian and Dwarf Red. Curiously, the dwarf kind is now the tallest. Okay Grumpy. I see, you like my compost.
Yesterday I was mulching Grumpy and his fellow dwarfs, and I saw their bell shaped petals quiver. Then I heard the rustling sound inside the flowers. It was them. Bumblebees came back. They were furiously burrowing to reach Grumpy’s nectaries. Their derrières were fatter than I remembered. Oh baby. A triumph! Wait, wait. There is no need to make a song and dance about it. I am a bit timid about happiness these days, as it is fragile and could be wiped out easily by one swipe of pesticide spray. The victorious moment passed without decorum anyway. Greed robbed the bees of their dignity. One of the bees got the flower’s filament stuck on his butt, and flew away with it, which reminded me of my former boss who was walking around with a TP tail. And I sat there, behaving more ridiculous than the said bee, laughing hysterically and covered in dirt, but the nature did not judge me and filled the morning with glorious surprises, it brought back the critters that have not visited my yard for some time, I discovered that frogs laid eggs in the fountain and as I squealed with joy I was surrounded by white butterflies, another species that defied the trampoline massacre.

26 April 2024

(TLDR)

I always thought clematis was easy to grow but I managed to kill it last year and I was heartbroken, especially because it was an unexpected gift from someone who cared to remember one of my favorite flowers. “I knew you’d fuck it up,” said the flower giver. To be fair, the clematis was moribund by the time it was brought to me. It perished within a week.
Looking back, something environmentally untoward must have happened in the neighborhood around that time. My backyard was undeniably lethargic. I didn’t see any fireflies last summer. Very few frogs visited and skinks decayed in the fountain. My plum tree died. Even weeds weren’t particularly robust. The blueberry trees yielded a paltry sum of four berries. I don’t eat blueberries but birds like them, so it was a bummer. 2023 was an unfruitful year for me as well, I experienced zero spiritual growth and I was slowly decomposing inside. The garden was probably reflecting my inner world, which I thought was neat, I felt oddly comforted by the synchronicity of it and all.
Some scientists say that plants do respond to human emotions. Not that I need scientific validation, and I certainly do not talk to plants (too cheesy), but it seemed more than a coincidence that the dead clematis decided to re-emerge at the exact moment I was thinking about it. Was it really the clematis from last year though? It was very tiny and I wasn’t certain, so I consulted my new gardener. I hired him for his southern drawl. “Yes ma’am that’s clematis!” said he, “it shur will be the purdiest lil thing you done ever seen.” I told him I was going to relocate it. My voice betrayed self doubt. I was not confident about uprooting the plant that died once. My doubt must have been infectious; the gardener’s optimism vanished. He tried to regroup by suggesting mulch, which is his go-to strategy. “Well, ma’am, just mulch it, a little mulch ain’t never hurt nobody.” My god. A glamorous triple negative! I’m a fan of double negatives, and triples are rare around here thus even more precious. It happens very quickly, it is a considerable feat to savor, similar to watching a triple play in baseball. The expression convinced me firmer than any logic would. I was sold, mulch it is, but wait. First, I had to go to my wormery to collect fresh worm castings.
The soil of the new spot I selected for the clematis needed amendments, and I was going to use the castings my worm army produced. The castings were supercharged by biochar and they are the greatest source of my pride. This past winter I patiently inoculated biochar while watching YouTube videos uploaded by an incredibly attractive homestead maker named Porterhouse. Alas, men like that, are always taken, or, they are a bit too far right for my taste. I crushed biochar nuggets the same way he did, and that was the end of our short dance. If my life sounds pathetic, wait til you hear that I bum yard debris off the neighbors.
I prepared the site with the worm castings and carefully transplanted the clematis, followed by “mulching” with rotten leaves, to honor my gardener. Much to my chagrin, Google indicated that uprooted clematis usually does poorly. That was enough internet for me. I opted not to overthink. My garden was trying to wake up, I felt it in my bones. Bumblebees have returned. They are inquisitive and they respond to everything I do in the garden. They patrol the clematis area and once satisfied, they drink water from the diy frog pond I made. They like to bury their heads in every small hole I create. I didn’t know that about them. Eventually I adopted their behaviors, patrolling the garden, sipping water, and poking my head in the areas that were previously unknown to me. Be inquisitive, was how I spent this spring, it kept me busy, and quite honestly I didn’t think much about the clematis. This morning though, a bee guided me to the area, I thought she was complaining about the cardinal that sat on the trellis, but no, she was showing me that the clematis bloomed. It wasn’t even supposed to bloom until next year according to the know-it-all internet. “Butter my butt,” all sorts of southern exclamations were uttered, I knew there was a bud but it was looking rather pitiful and I did not expect a full bloom. I felt as if my horse won Kentucky Derby, and as cheesy as it may sound, I named the clematis “Triple Negative,” the most race horsy name I could come up with.

20 April 2024

Strawberry blossom

I currently run 4 compost stations. Compost, when it’s done right, does not smell like garbage. The other day I stuck my arm in the steamy core of leaf mould, and its cleansing scent struck me so hard that a few areas of my brain woke up.
Composting made me mindful of the way I eat. I generate very little kitchen waste now. It also keeps me busy - even on the most dormant day I burn a decent amount of calories - there’s a lot to be done to maintain the microbial activities in those compost bins. I am not a green conscious woman, I scoff whenever I hear greenwashing nonsense, and I don’t trust anyone who claims composting “saves the planet.” The. Planet. LOL. I detest hyperbolic expressions like that. When the decomposing leaves struck my nostrils with the scent of ancient Buddhist temples, I was humbled, humbled by the generosity of the nature. For once I was the recipient. I am perpetually surrounded by people who take, take, take, and I am tired of their platitudes and tired of suppressing what matters to me. The intimacy with which my garden knew me shocked me. The dead leaves, microbes, earthworms, rain, heat, frost, and most of all, time, operate reliably to generate the scent that rearranges the way I reckon time, it is the scent that brings back the most beautiful moments of my life, those players in my backyard accept my sorrow and they keep giving, giving, giving, and that is the reason why choose to run 4 compost stations and spinning my tumbler like a hamster on a wheel.

24 Februar 2024

12 Februar 2024



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